SwankiVY2: what about?

RStan: I'M SAMMY

SwankiVY2: Good for you, I'm Ivy.

RStan: DO U HAVE A PICTURE?

SwankiVY2: yeah, why do you want it?

RStan: I AM IN GAINESVILLE TOO

SwankiVY2: Is that intended for informational purposes, or is that some sort of justification for why you want my picture?

RStan: HOW OLD RU?

SwankiVY2: Um, I don't blast my age around the internet.

RStan: IF U WANT TO SEND IT DO

SwankiVY2: Nah, I don't want to send it.

RStan: SUCK IT

[Containing my surprise at such a reply after he asked so nicely, I continued.]

SwankiVY2: What am I supposed to suck?

RStan: ME

SwankiVY2: You make it as if it's a choice . . . send it, or suck it.

SwankiVY2: Now, what if I want to do none of the above?

SwankiVY2: I mean, why the hell should you care what I look like?

RStan: DO U WANT TO MEET?

SwankiVY2: Why? I don't even know you, dude. You told me your name is SAMMY but you didn't tell me anything else about you!

RStan: WHAT ELSE IS THERE

SwankiVY2: Are you serious? You think there's nothing else to you but a name? That's a label. If there's nothing to label, then what do you need a name for?

SwankiVY2: Maybe one thing you could give me is a good reason why I should keep talking to you after you told me to SUCK IT.

SwankiVY2: Over my not wanting to send my picture, of all things. Do you know how rude that is??

SwankiVY2: Gawd, we just met.

SwankiVY2: I'm not sure I want to speak to you, much less suck anything!

RStan: YOUR LOSSS

SwankiVY2: Umm . . . I'm afraid not. I'm losing the name SAMMY, oh gawd, I'm so upset. You're losing an intelligent, fun person who can also construct a sentence.

RStan: CALL ME

SwankiVY2: Wait, if it's my LOSS, I can't very well call you.

SwankiVY2: Then I wouldn't be losing you.

SwankiVY2: I mean, what would we talk about?

RStan: [number deleted]

RStan: THE FIRST THING THAT POPS UP

[I had to wonder if this was meant in a disgusting way, but I didn't call him on it. :)]

SwankiVY2: 8675309--Jenny!

SwankiVY2: What a great song.

RStan: CALL

SwankiVY2: No! I don't call people unless I give a crap about talking to them, and you haven't said a single thing that's interesting.

SwankiVY2: Don't you DO anything?

RStan: I GET FUCKED UP

SwankiVY2: Well, don't you sound like an upstanding young man, SAMMY??

SwankiVY2: No, wait. . . .

SwankiVY2: That doesn't sound upstanding at all.

SwankiVY2: Actually, it sounds more like you're a big loser. Can you tell me anything about yourself that's NOT pathetic?

RStan: I AM 5 FOOT 10

SwankiVY2: Oh, well there's an achievement.

SwankiVY2: Do you think? Like, have thoughts? Want to tell me about them?

RStan: DO YOU THINK I AM A LOSER? I THINK YOUR A WHORE

SwankiVY2: Well, you'd be mistaken, I'm afraid, since whores tend to be paid for sexual favors and you haven't asked me whether I do that yet. The answer, in case you were planning to ask, is no.

RStan: I HAVE FIVE DOLLARS

SwankiVY2: For what? Lemonheads?

RStan: IS THAT ENOUGH F0R U AND YOU MOM?

SwankiVY2: Oooh . . . you'd like to purchase a piece of my mom's ass? I think she's busy tonight.

RStan: BUT YOUR MOMS ASS IS SO TIGHT

[I wondered how he knew this.]

SwankiVY2: Boy, that's pretty funny . . . you want to screw my mom and pay her!!!! LOLOLOL

SwankiVY2: Jeez, you don't even know what we look like yet and you're offering to pay us for sex! Can you say L-O-S-E-R?

RStan: I THINK ILLL GIVE YOU ALL MY MONYE

RStan: IF YOU BRING YOU MOM

SwankiVY2: Hmm . . . creeping from the pathetic to the absurd. . . .

SwankiVY2: Dude, you're starting to worry me. You're digging yourself further and further into the Pit O' Insults.

SwankiVY2: Soon you shall be in China.

RStan: SO DO YOU HAVE STREACH MARKS?>

SwankiVY2: Streach marks??

SwankiVY2: What the hell is a streach mark?

SwankiVY2: Some kind of newfangled laundry detergent?

RStan: FROM WHERE THAT DILDO HAS BEEN

RStan: CAUSE I KNOW YOU DONT GET THE REAT THING

SwankiVY2: Oh, of course you meant stretch marks . . . dude, you really must learn to spell so that I can understand you. . . .

RStan: DO YOU SMOKE BUDS?

SwankiVY2: I don't get the real thing huh? You base your assumption on absolutely nothing so . . . your conclusion is irrelevant.

RStan: WHATEVER

SwankiVY2: I bet you didn't understand that LOL

RStan: I BET YOU LICK CARPET

SwankiVY2: I'll tell you what I tell the kids in my room: CAPS is considered SHOUTING, kids! It's not very nice!

SwankiVY2: Carpet? No, I don't lick carpet.

SwankiVY2: Of course, I'm playing oblivious here . . . you're accusing me of being a lesbian, which is also totally unfounded.

RStan: SO YOU MUST BE ATLEAST 30

SwankiVY2: Another premature assumption!

RStan: ARE YOU FINE?

SwankiVY2: Guess what? You don't know a damn thing about me because you didn't ask.

SwankiVY2: You know nothing about my sex life, looks, or age . . . so stop making yourself sound more oblivious than you already do by drawing erroneous conclusions.

SwankiVY2: Do you understand, young man?

SwankiVY2: ::playing teacher::

RStan: SO DO YOU LIKE TO SMOKE HERB

SwankiVY2: No, not really. I don't need that.

SwankiVY2: I suppose you do?

RStan: YOU ARE PATHETIC

SwankiVY2: LOL so people who don't smoke herb are pathetic?

RStan: ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME

RStan: THE WAYS OF THE HOLLY

RStan: LETS PLAY

SwankiVY2: I could probably teach you quite a few things.

SwankiVY2: #1: netiquette! TAKE YOUR CAPS LOCK OFF.

RStan: DO YOU HAVE A NICE BODY?

RStan: IF NOT DONT TALK TO ME ANYMOORE

SwankiVY2: I've been told I have a nice body, but you'll never see it.

SwankiVY2: You sound utterly close-minded . . . you only want to talk to someone if they look good to you . . . ANd I find that totally disgusting.

RStan: OF COURSE I DO ITS HUMAN NATURE

SwankiVY2: No, I'm afraid it's not human nature to be RIDICULOUS.

RStan: ARE YOU NAKED?

SwankiVY2: Um, no . . . you don't sit in front of a computer naked unless you're pathetic or some shade of nudist, and I'm neither.

RStan: I LIKE TO BE NUDE

RStan: SO YOUR CALLING ME STUPID?

SwankiVY2: Being nude is fine. Naked is different.

SwankiVY2: I didn't say you're stupid, but I will say that you're acting ridiculous. Can you lay off the insults a second and let me tell you why?

RStan: I THINK YOU ARE A FAT BITCH THAT HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO AT NIGHT THEN HARRASS ME

SwankiVY2: Okay, number one, YOU started it by IMing me. I didn't seek you out. Number two, my weight has nothing to do with whether I am bitchy.

RStan: HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

SwankiVY2: I weigh 105, if you must know.

RStan: NOT BAD

SwankiVY2: I suppose not, for my height, but that's irrelevant. You're never going to see my body, and I'm never going to have sex with you, or pretend to.

RStan: YOU WANT ME ADMIT IT

RStan: ARE YOU A VIRGIN?

SwankiVY2: Guess what? My sexual experience or lack thereof is none of your business. . . .

SwankiVY2: And anyway, someone who carries on in such a childish, sex-hungry fashion will never ever get a piece of this.

SwankiVY2: To quote the timeless M.C. Hammer: "U Can't Touch This."

RStan: YOU MUST BE BLACK

SwankiVY2: No, I am not black. Another erroneous conclusion . . . see how easily you make them?

SwankiVY2: Now here's the solution, so you can stop making other people think you're ignorant:

SwankiVY2: THINK before you speak.

RStan: ANY ONE WHO LISTENS TO MC HAMMER MUST BE A NEGRO

SwankiVY2: Okay, number one that's not true, and number two, I DON'T listen to M.C. Hammer.

RStan: DO YOU LIKE SLAYER?

RStan: MEGADETH?

RStan: KORN?

RStan: INFECTIOUS GROOVES?

SwankiVY2: See, now you start to tell me something about yourself . . . you see, if someone asks you about you, maybe you can list your musical interests.

SwankiVY2: The answer is no, though . . . I've never listened to any of those bands. I suppose I'm probably going to get called pathetic now since my tastes don't match yours.

RStan: I DONT PLAY THAT BABY

RStan: I TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT

SwankiVY2: You don't have to "play" anything. But I'm not your baby, nor will I ever BE your baby. So don't get fresh with me.

SwankiVY2: *I* like to listen to Ween and They Might Be Giants.

SwankiVY2: I think they're pretty damn cool.

RStan: DO YOU SWALLOW?

SwankiVY2: About once a minute, yes. The content is mostly saliva when I'm not eating, though I assume it must also contain particles of dust and errant food particles.

SwankiVY2: When I eat, the composition is quite different.

SwankiVY2: I won't go into that.

RStan: DO YOU LIKE PEARLS?

SwankiVY2: No, I think they're tacky. I prefer plastic.

RStan: WELL I CAN GIVE YOU A PEARL NECKLESS

SwankiVY2: Well, dude, I'd probably throw it in the garbage, since I just *told* you I don't like pearls. Don't you listen?

SwankiVY2: No, wait . . . I wouldn't throw it out . . . I'd pawn it.

RStan: IT WOULD BE STUCK TO U

SwankiVY2: You're really getting a kick out of thinking I'm not getting any of this, aren't you?

SwankiVY2: I understand what you're saying perfectly and just refuse to acknowledge it. Yes, I'm playing you, and it's so much fun. . . .

RStan: JUST BECAUSE YOU TYPE MORE THAN ME DOESN MEAN YOUR SMARTER THAN ME

[Oh, it's SO sweet to be able to type over 100 wpm with these losers. . . . ]

SwankiVY2: Of course it doesn't, but if you look at the content, you might make the conclusion that my statements have a slightly higher intellectual value. . . .

SwankiVY2: Well, I was lying on the "slightly" bit.

RStan: OK

RStan: DO YOU WANT TO HOOK UP AND PARTY SOME TIME?

SwankiVY2: No, I don't want to hook up with you. You're a self-absorbed, sex-scrounging, grammar-ignoring, block-headed, nasty little pathetic jackass. Goodnight!

WOLFGANG: MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS BROKEN
WHAT EVER SHALL I DO?
AND BY THE SAME TOKEN
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU
YOUR IQ WILL SEEM SMALLER
BY A FACTOR OF 10
SO YOU'LL LANGUISH IN YOUR SQUALOR
TOO SCARED TO PRESS SEND
YOU'LL KNOW YOU CAN'T UNDO IT
THIS WOE, OR THIS CURSE
SO YOU WILL SAY "SCREW IT,
I'LL JUST TYPE THIS IN VERSE."

Hubert Farnsworth: I wondered why you even bothered to put up with this guy and the like, but then I remembered what Christopher Hitchens said in reply to the questioning of his motivations to continue debating deists, which is simply, "You never know what they're going to say next."