Ninth Grade Diary
January 1993 - May 1993
hi out there it's the 14th of February nineteen-ninety three and it is 1:58 A.M. Um. What is there to talk about not much.
Well 2-day I went 2 the mall w Fleeter + I now have one-thousand, five hundred and uh I don't know let me get up and check uuuuuh . . . squish. shqush, thump, thump, thump, thump, FLOP! squoosh. twenty-nine. the uuuh was me getting up, the squishes were my waterbed, the thumps were me walking, the FLOP! was me jumping back onto the bed, and the squoosh was the noise the bed made after I FLOP!-ed.
My hair is yellow.
Peter's mommy acted DUH-RUNK tonight at Jo-To's. Someone asked her if she'd had too much 2 drink + she said, "Tea, thank you."
I will describe Peter's b-day, OK? OK.
we drive 'round the parking lot looking for building 40 when it was building 17 and apt. 40 or something like that!
I soon got in their house. I headed to his room + putted my crap down. Then I picked it up 4 the mall. I went there and played lots o' poker + won a lott. Peter played a violent game! His mommy picked us up. By the way, I saw Myriah in there, what a butt. We were'nt driving for long when Mrs. O became positive that her lights were broken + that they weren't on. We pull into Quick-e-mart. John gets out, checks, dances around and reports 2 us that they're on. Gets in car. "Are you sure?" Says Mrs. O. John gets out again. Then Mrs. O decides she must C 4 herself. Satisfied, she gets in car.
We drive 2-ward Jo-To's. Mrs. O's driving becomes funky + Peter + John yell at her. Some ass-hole pulls in front of us -w- a Michigan License plate + Mrs. O goes, "Oh My God, that's the ass-hole I hit at the bridge!" Peter + John flick ass-hole off. He smiles as though being waved at.
We arrive at Jo-To's in 1 peice. Try 2 find parking spot. FINALLY GET ONE!!!! Go into Jo-To's, have 2 wait. sit down. Act silly. John pretends not 2 know us! We go in. We order drinks. I get pineapple juice, Mrs. O gets some pink drink -w- cherry in it. (Alcoholic.) Peter gets a Coke.
Ass-hole (a different one) teaches John 2 use chopsticks. We're served soup, then salad. Then the chef who cooks dinner in front of you comes. he give everyone sauces. he make shrimp, give everyone. He make veggies (onions + zuchhinni) I not eat. He make fried rice w carrots + peas, I eat -w- chopstick. HA!
He make steak, chicken. Steak excellent. Chicken good. I give peter "after dinner mints!" by the way, Peter's present was Werther's Original, Jolly Ranchers, + Cinn-A-Burst gum, plus a watermelon bag + "Great Stuff." We go home, eat cookie-cake, listen 2 Suzanne Vega + Whitney Houston. Dad come. Take me home. I not forget to say 'thank you'!
My life is perfect. It's just that too many impossible things've been happening! Like "Oh, if I make All-State . . . Nah, I can't. It would be too life changing." I made it. It changed my life in a way I'd thought impossible last year! Also: I got a boyfriend. I made Center Stage.
Oh, my God. I'm having such a wonderful time in high school, I never want to leave! Mom says Patricia + I don't realize it, but this is the happiest time of our lives. Patricia rolls her eyes, thinking (If this is happy I'd hate to see sad!) But I realize she's right. And I keep realizing that when I get old I'll be wishing I was young. I wish I were young. And I'm young now! I'm jealous of myself. Is there a technical term for that?
Whoa, it's late! I went to the movies with Peter 2-day. I thought about trying to kiss him but he fell asleep. I must be one interesting date. Oh, well. I love to sing. It is my favorite thing in the world. I don't know how different life would have been if I hadn't gone on to Chorus. I'm so glad I didn't keep taking Strings! OK, If I hadn't taken Chorus, I wouldn't have been friends with Kristen, since we share no other classes! (Now we don't share any!) I knew Kristen last year, but I wasn't her friend. That means, if I hadn't known Kristen, I couldn't have started eating lunch with her instead of with Jenna, and since Kristen knew Peter, if Kristen hadn't sat with me and he hadn't come over, I wouldn't have known him either! I wouldn't have known Moni, wouldn't have gone to All-State or been in Center Stage. My life would not have existed. My whole social life is definitely centered around Chorus!
Oh, my God! If that thing with parallel universes was true and every decision we make creates a whole new universe, then I am actually that way somewhere and she is living in my shadow. The thing with universes: The decision is whether to go to Emily's house or stay home. I go to Emily's in one universe and stay home in the other. At Emily's, there are two guys with no mom home, so that's when Mom makes the decision that I may not ever go there again! At home, nothing happens and I am still allowed to go there!
So in one universe I took Chorus and in one I took Strings. In the Strings one maybe I have more free time to write, so maybe one of my books is published by now. Or in the Chorus one, I decide not 2 try out 4 All-State and I don't go. Whoa. I'm glad that this is the universe I'm in, though!
I'm excited about goin' to district tomorrow. Whoa cool, huh? Peter brought his Tarot cards 2 school 2day. I think It's cool. I want him 2 teach me how 2 read them and I want 2 get some of my own, 2. I'm bringing my meditation book 2 school 2morrow. 2 show Peter.
I'm a little mad at dad. He's forbidden me 2 talk to John on the phone. Just cause he's nineteen. And I'm only fifteen. It's rude. John came 2 school 2day. He has red hair + a red mustache. Weird. Anyway!
John is a dickhole. He called me during dinner and I had 2 call him back after. I asked him if there was anything in particular he wanted to tell me and he goes, "Well, you've got a sexy body." That sucks. I'm fifteen, he's nineteen. He told me later that "What about this situation? Um, there's this guy, and he knows a girl who has a boyfriend, but he wants to get 2 know her better. Could you give this poor guy some advice?" Then I had to poo and he wouldn't let me off the phone and I wasn't even supposed 2 B talking 2 him, so finally I said bye and hung up on him. He kept telling me that . . . . well . . . .
He asked me if I have dreams. I said yes. He asked me what kind and I said the very abnormal kind that is very detailed and in color. He asked me if I have romantic dreams and I said no. I can only remember one time that I dreamt that Peter kissed me and It didn't go any farther, and it wasn't romantic. So anyway, I said no and he goes, liar and so he thinks just cause he has wet dreams means I have sex dreams, too. So I said don't you think that if I was having sexual fantasies that I would want to do what was in them? He goes, yeah. Well I go well don't U think that if I wanted 2 have sex yet I would've gotten it from Peter by now? He says I haven't because I'm afraid 2 have sex. I say I'm not afraid 2 have sex. He says he'll prove 2 me by the end of the conversation that I am afraid 2 have sex. I say yeah right so hes talking + he asks me a ? and I don't answer, because how can he prove 2 me that something's true if I won't respond? So finally I say I don't wanna have sex yet casue I don't wanna get pregnant. He's like why not? I say cause I don't wanna ruin my life! I'm only fifteen!
John: So you're afraid you'll get pregnant?
Me: No, I'm afraid of ruining my life.
John: See, U R afraid!
Me: Of ruining my life, yes. Of sex, no. Besides, I want 2 B in love with the person I have sex with.
John: So you don't love your boyfriend?
Me: I do, but not in the romantic way, exactly. More like a family love.
John: So this is like brother incest?
Me: No! Like, well, I love him, but, well, it's immature love. I want to truly love him in a mature way and make love in a responsible way, not have sex for a 1-night stand! So then he would NOT shut up so I did the hang-up thang. I introduced him to my good buddy, Click.
Yipe! Patricia's pissed at me. Because last time she saw her Metallica tape Kristen was listening to it. Now she thinks I have it. She can search my room if she wants to, but she won't find it cause it's not in here.
Yipe! My head hurts. I banged it on the fan in the living room. Ow . . . ! A G B C D E Z F . . .
The ceiling is bumpy in the den. There is also dust on the fan and the CD player and the picture frames. I noticed 2-day. I must poo. I'll B a sec.
I wonder why Patricia thinks that I would want her Metallica tape? She says, "You owe me my tape!" Yeah right like if she lost it I would have to pay for it just because she said so. I believe she wants to take one of my tapes and hide it till I give her back hers. Ex-CUSE me, but I've hidden my tapes for the night. Of course she might get something else instead. She won't give me the benefit of the doubt! Of course not, her tape Is gone so I must have it, pure and simple.
Peter's being a butt! He's trying to get me to believe that he is an alien from Mallagnacious Utopia. Mm-hmm. He used to have four arms and one eye. OK, yeah.
Hey! Well, Mom hates me it seems. Lindsay told me to get out of the living room quite nastily, so I tapped her on the head. She acted like I'd killed her or something! Mom told me that I owed her an apology. By the way, I really don't understand why parents bother making children apologize. The child is barely ever sorry, so they're teaching them to lie about their feelings. Also, it evokes embarrassment on the part of the apologizing child and spiteful satisfaction from the other. Anyway, Lindsay has a real problem with overreacting. It's just that she's so nasty all the time! Why is she that way? I have no idea. Mom found a piece of wire on the ground and asked me if it fell out of my braces. I said no. Then Mom said, "Let me see your archwire." Like she was checking for it or something. For God's sake, doesn't she think I'd notice if something metal fell out of my mouth? But that's not why she asked me to show her my archwire. It's 'cause she's interested in teeth. But I am awful sick of my mother constantly peering into my mouth. I said no + threw the wire onto the counter. Mom looked at me funny and said, "Boy, you just get ruder and ruder." She can't imagine what she made me feel like when she said that. It was a particularly stinging remark. Just like at Grandma + Grandpa's house the other day, when they mentioned the phone. I started crying at the table and Mom told everyone that I was just acting. She seemed to not care and not know that my feelings are actually there and I am capable of being alive, not a little actress who pulls crying tricks. . . .
Mom grounded me off the phone for being on it when she was trying to call. Which was rude, but I lived. Then, on Sunday, the last day of my "grounding," Mom + Dad went out and two people called me and I told them I was grounded in front of Patricia + Lindsay. They're witnesses. Then Peter called at 11:30 on the next Saturday, and Mom + Dad were pissed off. I tried to say bye, but Mom + Dad kept trying to lecture me. They kept interrupting my "farewell." The dog came and nuzzled my crotch. I opened the door to let her out and Mom + Dad thought I was going outside to talk in private. When I got off the phone I yelled that I was only letting the dog out, and then went to my room. On the way, Dad yelled "No more phone! You hear me?" Patricia told me later that Mom thought it was necessary to remove the phone from my room for insurance on my order not to call anyone. They don't trust me at all, I really feel like a child with them around me. But I got off the phone when I was grounded when they couldn't have known that I was on. Is that honesty? Is that maturity? Is that following orders? If it's not, there's no such thing! The next day I talked to Dad and he realized that it had been a little out of whack last night, and I got off the hook. Later, I got a call and Lindsay, her nose in my business as usual, told me that I was grounded. I said, "I am NOT grounded, Lindsay!" She said, "Didn't Mom + Dad say 'NO MORE PHONE?' Doesn't that mean no phone? Are you allowed to take calls? I don't THINK so!" If you ask me, Lindsay's the one getting "Ruder and ruder!" She's so NASTY all the time! I'm also sick of my life being lived for me. Mom chooses my friends for me. It sucks. Oh well.
It's Thursday. No it's not, it's now officially Friday. I don't have school today! Weird to think of it as today. Oh, well. Jason's nickname is Viper. Kristen's is Venus, the love goddess. I am Pandora, the all-gifted. Oh well. We should give everyone a nickname. Hey, did you know Peter would agree with the meaning of my name? He thinks I'm perfect in most respects! I beat him at tennis + Nintendo, I can sing, I can draw, I can write, I get OK grades, I have an OK amount of friends, a pretty good complexion, and some neat hippie stuff. I'm bragging, but I don't mind bragging right here because hopefully I am the only one who will be reading it. If you're thinking, "that's bullshit!" then why don't you sit there and count your virtues. Don't forget to exclude honesty, morality, respect of privacy, and good manners. Sometimes I put lies in here! To throw you off! So don't use any of the information. But I could be lying right now, which means that now I know that it's true that I lie in this book, except if I hadn't written this I wouldn't have lied in the first place, but then again, I could be lying, couldn't I? I'm not. I am. There, now you know I lie in this book and I encourage you to ignore the previous paragraph!
I am pissed off. Peter calls me on the phone and he doesn't say anything. He's like, "Hello." And I'm like, "hello." and he's like, "ooh, gorillas, something I've never seen before." a pause. "I'll change the channel." Click, click. "Oh, Cheers is on!" I am on the phone with him now. It seems as though he has called me to watch TV and bore me to death and laugh at the funny parts and say "oh, that's funny!" and eat in my ear. Excuse me, but, this is really pathetic.
Commercial. Maybe he'll talk to me. Yep! He asked me if he'd given me a note. I said, "mm hmm." Then the show's back. I don't want to sit here and listen to him watch. Sorry, but does he think I'm watching it too or something? Or does he think I like to listen to him laugh? He's describing the commercials to me now and making totally annoying noises. I think I'll tell him that I've gotta go cause I gotta take a shower. OK, I did. All he said the whole time was. "Hi." "Hi." "Ooh, gorillas, something I've never seen before!" "I"ll change the channel." "Oh, Cheers is on!" "Uh huh huh huh huh!" "Oh, that's funny!" "Uh huh, ha ha hahaha!" "Aw, damn! That's so funny!" "Hey, did I give you a note in school today?" "I thought I did. I remember putting it in my pocket but I didn't know if I gave it to you." "Uh huh hah hahahahaha!" "Ha, ha." "Uh! Ha, hahaha!" "Aw, damn!" "Oh, yea, Bullwinkle." "Those two again?" "I love it when he calls me clever!" "Oh, yeah! For free!" "You are?" "No. You're leaving me?" "No, thanks." "Uh, hahahahahahaha!" "So, you're going bye bye?" "Awww. Well, bye!" "Bye!" "I love you." "Good!" "Bye." "Bye." "Uhhhh" CLICK. What a dick.
Hello. I'm upset. Everyone hates me! I don't know why they're acting this way. Mom is like so hyper about having good manners and I don't know what the f*ck is the big deal. I said at the dinner table at Grandma and Grandpa's house that there were millipedes living in Dad's bellybutton. Everyone laughed except Mom. Even Dad laughed! Why is that rude? Mom informed me that that was not dinner-table talk. What does it matter where you're sitting when you talk? It's not like I was making anyone sick or anything. Except 4 Lindsay, who acts sick every time she has to eat something she doesn't like. Lindsay made up a song about snot and spiders up people's noses, but mom said it was funny. Lindsay also spit on me. She thinks it makes me mad but getting mad accomplishes nothing! So I don't. Me + Patricia started singing that "Spank Me" song by Madonna and mom said to stop it because somethings can not be said in front of G + G. I go "cut it out, Mom!" and she makes that awful face and told me not to ever tell HER to cut it out. She says she wants to send us all to Manners Camp. What do manners matter if no one uses them except people everyone hates?
Mom makes me feel so horrible when she says those things to me. Why does she want to make me feel worthless? When she says that I'm rude that means I'm embarrassing her. Can't she see that getting mad and asserting power is not going to help any situation?
I don't want to make her feel bad for being mean to me. I mean, if she really wants what's best for me, she'll fix the problem. But she doesn't want the best, she doesn't have my best interest at heart. She's lost her temper and that's all there is to it.
I want to love her back but it gets harder. Mom's going to notice a difference in my attitude towards her. But it's not my fault, it's hers. She needs to control her temper. I don't want to be hurt again, so I've got to distance myself. She can't hurt me anymore. I won't let her. I'll distance myself the way she's forced me to distance myself from Kristen.
I have 2 say 1 thing: Peter dumped me. Woo hoo. He got "board" of me I guess. Well our grand total of kisses will stay at 5. I will circle it in the back because, of course, I'll never kiss him again.
Boy, life sucks! First I find out I'm moving + then my boyfriend dumps me. Actually life's OK if I can get in2 a good place with a Show Choir in it. I wanna. I wanna get in2 that 1 thing in Tampa (Taaaammmmpa), 2. Oh well. I will eat lunch with Jenna 2morrow I guess. She told me 2 eat -w- her and anyway there's only ummm 15 days (?) left of school anyway. Who cares? I do not. Well I'll miss Peter + all but he never loved me + I never loved him. He just thought he loved me + I said it back 2 not hurt his feelings. Oh well. He never cared. That's what bugs me. He never cared. He never cared. Uhh . . . . I don't believe that. But he never said anything 2 my face. He asked me out in a note. I said "I love U" over the phone. He said "I love U" in notes. He broke up with me in a note and asked me never 2 talk 2 him or call him. Oh well. That is his fucking problem. I need no man in my life.
Notebook paper graphic used in the title image: Made by Heather and Warren's Gif Pages.
CHILDHOOD JOURNAL ARCHIVE PAGE