Captain Jack Sparrow: MOVIE, Pirates of the Caribbean, played by Johnny Depp. This character made a Johnny Depp fan out of me. The Captain is a pirate, of course, and a real swank one; he's pretty and he's got style. You can't NOT like pirates. He can fight and fence and run a ship and wisecrack and still have enough ego left over to do his hair. I'm serious--this man even looked desirable when he was about to be hanged. Something about the way he says "savvy?" makes me grin--he's got some wonderful lines that are delivered even better. BEDROOM BONUS: He's a pirate! He's always looking for booty!

Animala/Pammy: MOVIE, The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, played by Jennifer Blaire. She was made from forest animals by an alien transmutatron device in order to be a date for an evil scientist so he wouldn't seem so alone. Sound screwed up yet? It gets worse. In any case, Animala can dance. She can dance so well that she can literally hypnotize people. Besides that, she is extremely feral and prone to responding to English with animal sounds. Despite being in a very silly movie, Animala has a stunning presence and her smile is devastating, to say nothing of her animal act. BEDROOM BONUS: She's made from four different forest animals! You figure it out!

Hector "Zero" Zeroni: MOVIE, Holes, played by Khleo Thomas. Ahh, we come to my underage sweetheart. Zero is an uneducated, passionate kid who is really good at digging holes and learns to open his heart. (Okay, it's a flick that was released in association with Disney.) His hair, his eyes, his stature, and his dimples all complete a picture for me that's so smooth and cute that I was always waiting for them to put Zero on the screen again. And how can you go wrong with a kid descended from gypsies? BEDROOM BONUS: Zero's used to digging for treasure.

Allison Reynolds: MOVIE, The Breakfast Club, played by Ally Sheedy. She's the weirdo freak girl in your high school. The one who keeps to herself. She has a fantastic smile and intense eyes. And the way she talks is both careful and unrepentant. Her stare can bore a hole through you, and her drawings will make your eyes widen even when your lip is curling in disgust because she decorates it with dandruff flakes for snow. Her home life is UN . . . SATISFYING. This girl obviously needs something to do besides go to detention, so I'm volunteering. BEDROOM BONUS: She claims to be a nymphomaniac who's done everything except a few things that are illegal, and then in the next breath she's a virgin. Pathological liars--not to mention kleptomaniacs--are very interesting for pillow talk.

Jay and Silent Bob: MOVIE SERIES, The New Jersey Trilogy (a.k.a. Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back--obviously a trilogy in the same fashion of Douglas Adams), played by Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith. Double duty! Neither will go anywhere without the other, so it's best to just take them as a unit. Jay's the chatty one and Bob's the strong silent type. They're both high all the time though. They are a dynamic duo whose way of being a pair is intriguing and whose charisma is undeniable. BEDROOM BONUS: They can be in familiar territory: Jay can talk dirty while Bob does all the work.

Death of the Endless: COMIC SERIES, The Sandman, by Neil Gaiman. The oldest of the Endless siblings except for older brother Destiny. She's got a grim job and she does it well. There's something alluring about the personification of the state of non-being when she walks around among mortals dressed like a goth girl and facing the world with a fairly cheerful face. She's mysterious and pretty and comforting and fun, and she has her dark side without letting it rule her. Not to mention that there's just something undeniably awesome about the fact that she wears an ankh, the Egyptian symbol of life. BEDROOM BONUS: "Flirting with Death" has never looked so good!

Yakko Warner: TV SERIES, Animaniacs, voiced by Rob Paulsen. Yakko is yet another one of my obsessions that originated because of a voice. First of all, Yakko's character is sort of like a cartoonified and Warner Bros.-ized Groucho Marx; his wit is dry yet wacky and delivered in a deadpan with a twist of inappropriateness. Okay, so that's the writers. But I always had a crush on the eldest Warner Brother, and I thought it was amusing that he is the only one of the three who wears pants (so . . . theoretically he DOES have something to hide?). Truth be told, I spent more time with Yakko than I did with my boyfriend in high school, memorizing his songs and drawing him, so even though everyone made fun of him for saying it he actually had sort of a reason for being jealous of a cartoon character. Anyone who can sing all the countries of the world in less than four minutes deserves my attention. BEDROOM BONUS: There's baloney in his slacks!

Youichi Hiruma: ANIME SERIES, Eyeshield 21, voiced by Atsushi Tamura. I'm afraid I sometimes have a soft spot for bad boys, and Hiruma fits the bill. Oh, how to describe him? Let's see. First of all, he's from a sports anime, where he is the quarterback of an American Football ("Amefuto") team for his school, Deimon High, and the team is called the Deimon Devil Bats. Hiruma is a master strategist and will stop at absolutely nothing to get what he wants; he is not above threatening, blackmailing, or punishing folks who resist him. And he always, ALWAYS seems to have some kind of weapon, usually a whole arsenal somehow hidden in his clothing somewhere. Most intriguing is his "devil's handbook," which contains embarrassing information that he theoretically shouldn't know (and with which he commits some of his blackmail). He is a trickster, a mischief-maker, and . . . ACK! SO CUTE! As far as his looks go, everything about him is sharp: He has pointed ears, vicious-looking teeth, and that typical razor anime hair, with a sort of angular-looking body as well. His expressions are over-the-top evil sometimes. I'd say don't get on his bad side, but if you're on his good side you'll still get hurt because he shows that he likes you by kicking you in the back. Hmm.

Jareth the Goblin King: MOVIE, Labyrinth, played by David Bowie. Okay, eighties hair? Check. Prissy clothes? Yes. Glam makeup? Yeah, yeah, I know. But have you SEEN this guy's demeanor? If he told me to forget about the baby, I'd say, "What baby?" "Just let me rule you." "Ohhhhkayyyy!" He's the king of the goblins so that gives him a badass charm despite the fact that he wears tights. His voice has a factor in it too, but I think it might be his eyes and maybe just the setting he's in that makes me enamoured of him. I don't know about Sarah, but I'd certainly run a labyrinth to find his lair if you know what I mean. BEDROOM BONUS: Just watch what he does with those crystal bubble-ball things and use your imagination.

Chichiri: ANIME SERIES, Fushigi Yuugi (The Mysterious Play), voiced by Tomokazu Seki (with the mask ON!). Oh look, another character whose voice does it for me. Chichiri is a magician who is one of the Suzaku Seven, and he appears to be one of the few who doesn't have some screwed up relationship with the priestess they're protecting. He's got blue hair in the most interesting style and he's got a groovy staff that makes chiming noises. But the coolest thing is the way he talks and the way he always wears a mask. He has a high-pitched sorta childlike voice most of the time, though in moments of seriousness his voice comes down (usually when he takes his mask off and shows his scarred face). I don't have a problem with the scarred face thing, but I do prefer his demeanor when he's happy and smiling and kicking everyone's ass with protection and trickster magic.

See? Just not the same. Looks just like any other anime guy.

Satan: MOVIE, The Forbidden Zone, played by Danny Elfman. Most people have heard Danny Elfman's music--he's famous for Oingo Boingo and Nightmare Before Christmas and all that--but most have not actually seen him act. Well, I would have no desire to have sex with the devil if Danny Elfman wasn't playing him. In an all-too-brief scene in The Forbidden Zone (crazy '80s movie, musical, black and white), Satan dances around to a warped version of "Minnie the Moocher" and does some amazing moves. He looks like he is MADE OF RUBBER.

See? I made this clip so you could kind of see how he moves.

Ryoko Hakubi: ANIME SERIES, Tenchi Muyo, voiced by Ai Origasa (Japanese) and Petrea Burchard (English). I fell in love with Ryoko early on because she quite simply is a badass, and she kind of reminds me of one of my characters but with more powers and a bigger temper. She's a space pirate and a demon summoner and she can fly, teleport, phase through objects, and shoot laser beams out of her hands and stuff. And again, can't go wrong with blue hair (though hers is sort of grayish-blue). And come on. Gold eyes. Cool! She can kick anyone's butt (except maybe her mom's) and still be melted by a little tender touch from her love, Tenchi. (I'll make sure he's not around when I seduce Ryoko.)

She's lazy. She's a prankster. She likes to get drunk.

She's introspective. She's easy to anger. She likes to hang out in trees.

Dave Lister: TV SERIES, Red Dwarf, played by Craig Charles. He has dimples. He's from Liverpool. HE'S GOT WONDERFUL LONG DREADLOCKS. How can a girl resist? Lister's the last human alive after several million years of suspended animation, and now he's got a robot, a hologram, and a sentient creature descended from his CAT to keep him company. So he's probably a tad lonely by now. Lister is a bit of a slob and quite a pig of a man at times, but that is somehow part of his charm. That and his innocent stupidity and bumbling man-ness. His voice and phrasing is beyond adorable, and I'd want him in my bed as long as he was talking the whole time. BEDROOM BONUS: After all that time in space with no women, he'll forget about Kochanski very quickly at the sight of my sexy day-of-the-week underwear!

See the hair??

Tank Girl/Rebecca: MOVIE, Tank Girl, played by Lori Petty. I read the comic a few times, but it's the movie girl I'm in love with. Mostly because Lori is one of my favorite actors and most characters she plays come alive for me. Tank Girl's attitude is beyond sassy, it's this great mix of dopey and badass. Ba-ba-ba-BAM! She's really, REALLY into her tank and loves to mow down people who deserve it with the thing, and she's got a sense of style that is either incredibly tacky or wildly creative. Her hair's always different (and, like the comic, it doesn't matter if it's really that long or if she had time to dye or braid it; from scene to scene it just changes because it wants to). Tank Girl's voice and accent completely make the picture as she delivers lines like "Don't say 'buttsmear.' It's unbecoming. Say 'asshole' or 'dickwad.'"

Awesome attitude in the comic too. . . .

Loki: MOVIE, Dogma, played by Matt Damon. I should open by saying I have a thing for sweet-faced faery-like boys, and Matt Damon's got that quality and that's all there is to it. But that wouldn't be enough for me to want to put him on this list (especially this high!) except that I also love the attitude of this character. Loki is an angel who's been kicked out of Heaven and hangs around with his pal Bartleby. He likes to screw with people. Obviously! He's a god of mischief! And a damn good one too. In the movie he told a nun that God didn't exist and got her to believe it, even though he'd himself been in God's presence. He also went in a meeting and shot sinners while playing a children's record. Dramatic, yet funny. Ahh, he's so pretty. BEDROOM BONUS: "Angels are ill-equipped." Damn! I guess he'll be concentrating on me then!

Jake Berensen: BOOK SERIES, Animorphs, by K.A. Applegate. So, yes, Jake is underage. Would you like to tell me again in case I start caring? Reading the books will show you pretty quickly how awesome Jake is. Not only is he the leader of the only team of people that stands between the human race and total enslavement, but he's fighting this war in secret and with little help AND HE'S A KID. Of course, he grows up real fast. Now, the thing about Jake is that he doesn't WANT to be the leader. He becomes the leader because he just IS. He has the commanding skills and the ability to size up others' strengths and weaknesses. It doesn't hurt that he can turn into a tiger either, but that's a whole alien technology thing I'm not going to get into--that's not what helps me like him. It's his leadership ability and his extreme badassery. One time some career-military aliens were on Earth pretty much telling him "we'll take it from here," and Jake was like "Excuse me, but NO--this is my world and I'm the general of the forces of Earth thankyouverymuch. We saw how you 'saved' other races and we want none of it. So get the hell under my command or get off my planet." (Obviously that's not exactly what he said 'cause they're kids' books, but that's the thrust of it.) In any case, I'm not the only one who wants a piece of Jake; one of my MALE friends was quoted as saying "I wish I was gay and he was real so I could have sex with him." And of course, if he were real there'd have been the whole saving us from an alien invader thing too, so I'd just have to give him something for it. BEDROOM BONUS: There's something to be said for a guy who can change into more than two dozen different animals when all's said and done.

Washu Hakubi: ANIME SERIES, Tenchi Muyo, voiced by Yuuko Kobayashi (Japanese) and K.T. Vogt (English). She's only the greatest scientific genius who ever lived (and also Ryoko's mommy). She makes people call her Washu-chan instead of Washu-san (being addressed like a child instead of an adult), which means that even though she can be VERY adult sometimes she knows how to have fun. And she is quite tiny, probably about my height, with huge pink hair and green eyes. She has a motherly side that shows when she cares for Ryoko or Tenchi's nephew, but I am mostly impressed with her amazing passion for science. She might be certifiably INSANE and she might have created a lot of screwed up stuff, but she can make a lab in the hall closet by stepping into an alternate dimension or make tiny cheerleader robots to stand on her shoulders and tell her she's great. She's spastic and maniacal and CUTE, and some of the things she does that come out of left field leave me yelling "MORE WASHU!"

Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat: MOVIE, The Fifth Element, played by Milla Jovovich. Well, first off her character is "the perfect being." Sound promising? Well, she's adorable and naïve and when she first comes into the story she doesn't speak English, just this weird Leeloo-ese that's supposed to be the divine language. It is really cute to hear her chattering along in it. She's kind of feral-acting sometimes, how she's just not familiar with anything because she's been out of commission for thousands of years. She has the most innocent eyes and face during much of this movie even though she can also be used as a weapon because she can fight (enter my soft spot for badasses). I mean, one look at her sweet little face and you want to unlock the fifth element too. JUST LOOK!

Legolas Greenleaf: MOVIE SERIES, Lord of the Rings, played by Orlando Bloom. All right, so that one's a no-brainer. He's adorable. He's got long blonde hair and pretty blue eyes (unless Orlando forgets to put his contacts in). He's got a pixy-like yet powerful countenance and his grace and beauty are matched only by his arching prowess and delicate ferocity. And he's got pointed ears! (You might've noticed--or not--that he's the fourth person on this list of that description. Perhaps this means I wish to create an army of pointy-eared children? Hah!) He's a frickin' elf! Elves are great! They can see really far and hear really well and drink without getting drunk and speak in cool languages and run without getting tired and walk on the frickin' snow without falling in!

See how he's ON the snow while everyone else walking up Caradhras is IN it?

Cat: BOOK SERIES, Psion, Catspaw and Dreamfall, written by Joan D. Vinge. Cat here is THE NUMBER ONE person in fiction that I would like to have sex with. He is just perfect in every way. First, let's talk physical. His hair's cool--blonde and curly, though in that pic he's trying to be a tough guy so he's got it spiked. His eyes get him in trouble all the time because they're a dead giveaway that he's part alien, but I think they're dead sexy: Bright green with cat-eye pupils. He's got an "Oldcity" accent which tells rich people he's from the slums, so they're always surprised to see how far he's made it. And he's got interestingly dark skin and a nice physique even if he is a bit scarred from getting frickin' whipped and beat up all the time. Ahh yes, the dark past.

Aww look, Cat hurt himself again--AGAIN!

So. Cat's an asshole, basically. He's always pissing people off and saying things and shoving their faces in stuff they don't want to accept, and THAT is what I love most about him. That attitude of "Yeah you want to make something of it? Oh shit, you do want to make something of it. Let me ball-kick you and run as fast as I can." He has had a record number of horrifically bad ideas, like "I think I'll have sex with my boss's wife!" or "Hey, the Hydran race thinks I'm disgusting because they can tell I killed someone once. I wanna go walking around in their town!"

But I want to hug and squeeze him because he has a wonderfully sensitive inside and he really does want the best for everyone and he really has been hurting all his life and he really is just amazingly, awesomely intriguing and wonderful and sexy.

And perhaps it is really obvious, but here's my BEDROOM BONUS for Cat:

How can you have bad sex with a telepath??

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

• 3 characters with the title "Captain"
• 4 characters with pointed ears
• 11 characters whose voices are responsible for my affection
• 1 duo

Lastly, some HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• Jack Kelly: MOVIE, Newsies, played by Christian Bale. Why? The accent and the voice, the dancing and singing, and the rebellious-with-a-good-heart "really just wants LUHV" thing he has lurking under that tough exterior.
• Artemis Fowl: BOOK SERIES, Artemis Fowl, written by Eoin Colfer. Why? He's an evil genius.
• Captain John Yossarian: BOOK, Catch-22, written by Joseph Heller. Why? He is enveloped in absurdity and expresses it well.
• Hermione Granger: BOOK SERIES, Harry Potter, written by J.K. Rowling. Why? She's underage and all, but she's smart and resourceful.
• Aragorn: MOVIE SERIES, Lord of the Rings, played by Viggo Mortensen. Why? He's Tolkien's Jesus character. He redeemed the dead. That's sexy.
• Fiyero Tigelar: MUSICAL, Wicked, played by Norbert Leo Butz. Why? Maybe he's brainless, maybe he's wise, but now he's seeing through different eyes.
• Banky Edwards: MOVIE, Chasing Amy, played by Jason Lee. Why? He cared enough about his friend to agree to a sex arrangement involving gay sex, even though it was abhorrent to him. And his language is very awesome. And he can admit what he is.
• Riff Raff: MOVIE, Rocky Horror Picture Show, played by Richard O'Brien. Why? The smile says it all. And the elbow sex with his sister.
• Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (in a duo): PLAY, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, written by Tom Stoppard. Why? I kinda like clueless men, and these two are invented to be clueless. And I like questions!
• Wilson Fisk: "The Kingpin": MOVIE, Daredevil, played by Michael Clarke Duncan. Why? Two words: Beefy arms.
• Father Dougal McGuire: TV SERIES, Father Ted, played by Ardal O'Hanlon. Why? He's cute, clueless and begging for some corruption!
• Akito Hayama: ANIME, Kodomo No Omocha, voiced by Tatsuya Nakazaki. Yes, he's quite underage--Japanese elementary school kid, actually. But he's so rebellious and cutie-cute. Yum.
• The Devil/Warm-Up Man: MUSICAL, Jerry Springer: The Opera, played by David Bedella. Apparently I have to have two Satans on my list. This guy's energetic performance is sexy and his sinister smile is to die for.

That's it for my list! Want to send me yours or see other people's picks?

tornpatchwork: you are so silly sometimes =).
whatever happened to just good old fashioned making out?

caragirl: Oooh, I wanna do this!

*checks your list*

Oh, poop. You get Washu? Legolas? After you're done, send them my way!

linguafranca: You slut. I had trouble coming up with ten. :P

Now that I see your list, though, I see there are a few I missed.

swankivy: You had trouble coming up with ten and I had trouble narrowing it down to thirty? I guess I really must be a slut. A fictional character slut. Who from my list do you also lust after, or is it something you're not sharing?

linguafranca: Jack Sparrow, Allison, Loki, and Leeloo are all good choices. I wouldn't kick Legolas out of bed, either.

patorin: I had no idea my sis could have such thoughts! I'm shock! Those were really entertaining.

swankivy: Don't worry. I'm not really thinking such shocking thoughts. I'm just pretending to. Fictional, right? ::hums innocently::

yakshi: I used to have the biggest crush on Cat from Joan Vinge's books. =D

swankivy: OH MAN you too?? Cat is awesome isn't he?

Mikey: Well this was a good list with reasons I found it most interesting to say the least, I think it also shows a great respect to the details of a character and not just simple sex appeal and that really says something I think.

caragirl: So, yeah. I started making a version of this in Word... and apparently, I'm a nympho for fictional sex? Many of them are from cartoons. You'll see eventually.

And, you know, I really should read about this "Cat" character that stole your #1 spot. Because, mmm, I just took a second glance at his picture. Tee hee.

Sardonyx: And you say you have no sexual drive. Hah.

Seems like you only do when it comes to fantasy. When it comes to sex, you seem to have more of a connection with fiction than fact. That makes you a pathological space case. LIKE ME! Oh joy!! I found another member of my species! :D

Out of these, I'd be more likely to have sex with Witch Baby. And Jack Sparrow (who wouldn't?) and cute little fluff-fluff hair Zero. Though I also adore Ryoko, she has those pointy teeth... >_> If I didn't please her, who knows what she'd do.

Marintha: Eep, I'm obsessed with your essays now. ^^* I would have to add Madmartigan from the movie Willow, played by Val Kilmer (It was a long time ago, ok?) , if you've heard of it.

If you haven't seen the movie.... Go rent it. Now. Leave the house, run down the street and knock on random doors until you find someone who owns it and is willing to lend it to a stranger. ^^* Or just look at this picture.

http://img72.imageshack.us/img72/4198/madmart2bq.jpg