[SwankiVY's Shenanigans]

"Sucks Less!" . . . And Other Funny Labels!

[Sucks less!]

Behold the sticker. . . .

This sticker is one of the many in a collection called "The Urban Absurdist Survival Kit," offered as part of the Happy Mutant Handbook. The labels, designed by Ward Parkway, are designed to be printed out on sticky-backed paper and cut out, and they can be applied to products or store shelves. Wouldn't it be funny if you found a product that didn't exactly get "New and Improved!" so much as it now "Sucks Less"? The Happy Mutant Handbook is no longer in print as much of the information within is outdated, so hopefully I am not going to cause any problems by offering you these images here.

Click pictures to download individually, or click the sheet collections to get full pages.
"Obsolescence Guaranteed In Three Months!"
"Sucks Less!"
"Certified User Surly Piece of Junk!"
"Certified User Surly--Interactionally Retarded!"
"Fewer Insect Parts By Weight Than the Leading Brand!"
"New & Improved--Now Contains Fewer Petroleum Byproducts!"
Download all of the Above on SHEET 1!
"Evolve: Support Mutation! Survival of any species over time depends on reserves of mutants capable of exploiting or resisting opportunities."
Download the Above on SHEET 2!
"Danger: Info Hazard! Contains virulent information programmed to displace/block concepts crucial to simian brain evolution."
"Insane: Unquestioning Hierarchical Automatons! Intellectual caution advised."
"Caution: Small Mind Sector! Displays of enlightenment may carry risks for individuals."
"Boredom: Extremely Dull! Self-entertainment necessary for maintaining consciousness."
Download all of the Above on SHEET 3!
"Notice: Humor Not Appreciated! Seriousness mandatory at all times. Cynicism, irony, and absurdity will be prosecuted to the fullest extent possible."
"Submit: Conformity Mandatory! You must toe the party line. Attempts at original thought or action will result in severe and immediate consequences."
"Warning! Prolonged or unprotected exposure to this information source may prevent or retard the intellectual development of higher simian brains."
"Primitive! This area has been found inhospitable to bipedal beings demonstrating individuality and/or other evolved behavior."
"Surgeon Admiral's Warning: Conformity Causes Unconsciousness, Boredom, And May Lead To A Persistant Vegetative Dream-State."
"Smoking This Combustible Substance Will Result In Absolutely No Psychedelic Perceptual Shift."
Download all of the Above on SHEET 4!
"100% Recycled Food Product! Guaranteed to meet or exceed human edibility standards."
"Contaminated Goods! For Sale To Code-Level Magenta Humans Only. Remove this label before displaying."
"Fun Food! For Recreational Consumption Only. This edible substance contains absolutely no nutritional value."
"Bioengineered Food Product! Genetically-Altered Through Combination With Human DNA."
"Catholic Cosher: Approved By the Pope!"
Download all of the Above on SHEET 5!
"Contents May Have Expired During Shipping"
"International Press Association: This identification card certifies that the person whose name appears below is a member in good standing."
"Complies With International Class B Emission Standards!"
"Attention Deficit Receipt: This receipt shall serve as a legal record for any transaction involving the involuntary deduction of attention currency (i.e.: wasting someone's time)"
Download all of the Above on SHEET 6!

When I was in college, my friend Mike and I printed out a whole bunch of the "Sucks Less" ones and glued them on products in the Albertson's grocery store. The first one we chose was "Sun with Bleach" detergent. It advertised a new color-saving formula or something; we put "sucks less!" right next to the "new" label. It looks pretty authentic. We also put them on Capri Sun fruit drinks.

I really wish we could have taken a look at the surveillance cameras to see if anyone noticed the "sucks less" stickers. That would be amazingly funny. Too bad we didn't think of calling up the store and asking them if they have any of the Sun Bleach that sucks less. That's a good idea for anyone who wants to follow up on their prank; or just ask an associate about that new product you've heard about that has fewer insect parts by weight than the leading brand.

[Mike and me in Albertson's]