[SwankiVY's Shenanigans]

I Hacked Bob's Website.

[bob's farce]

Please beware the disgusting concepts and language that will pop up on this page if you read the whole story.

Basically, I sorta-kinda hacked someone's website. At first it was a joke. Bob, an acquaintance of mine through a mutual friend, found out that I knew a thing or two about Web design and asked me to help him with his new Geocities website. It was called "The Church of Bob." (Not to be confused with the REAL Church of "Bob," the SubGenius Church; most of the hits at the Church of Bob site were from people looking for SubGenius stuff. It was just because his name is Michael Bobbitt, and there are too many people named Mike so he goes by Bob.) So, when he asked me for help, I was okay with helping him--he was a friend of a friend who needed assistance. But to avoid complications, Bob made a silly mistake: he decided to give me his Geocities password so I could just do what he asked for. Not smart.

Not that I'm unscrupulous, or would do bad things, really. It's just that . . . well, I'm a prankster. Because I am nice, I gave him fair warning; I said, "You do realize April Fool's Day is coming up and that I won't be able to resist messing with your page, right?" He laughed, said that'd be fine, that he'd get a kick out of it, and ignored my warning. He opened a can of worms that day.

I was true to my word. I did everything he asked me to do while I was helping him, and then on April Fool's Day, well . . . I erased it all (saving a backup, of course), and just replaced his entire page with a large photo of myself looking smug, with a proclamation that I am a goddess and that everyone should visit my page.

After he saw it, I put his old page back up as I promised. But with a little change. JavaScript windows that popped up were all the rage at that time--the ones like the one pictured at the top of this page--and I put one on there that said, "Bobbitt sucks!!" He was not expecting this and was amused and surprised when he saw the window pop up. He knew enough about Geocities to go in and look at his code. He found where it said "Bobbitt sucks!!" and changed the text to something else. I reciprocated by placing another Javascript window after it, which he also changed, to something stupid like "Let the Church of Bob show you the way!"

By this point, because of the people I hung out with, I was getting to know Bob better. And I wasn't a better person for it. I thought he was a jerk a lot of the time. For instance, I am not a girl who regularly sees guys in the nude and I had ended up by this point seeing his penis twice. He kept flashing it at people, I guess to prove that he had one. I also heard that he had two girlfriends and that he was promising to marry both, yet not telling either of them about the other. He wrote some sick, twisted songs that I actually found kind of amusing at times but usually just went over the line. I was getting to not like this guy in some ways, even though I still hung out with him and kinda thought he was an okay guy.


After I put JavaScript windows on his page and he playfully changed the text, egging me on, I decided it was time to take another tactic. I left the Java windows alone and instead just put a random picture of a chicken in the middle of his page. He responded by making it make sense somehow. I put a picture of myself on my back in a field and wrote a short sentence saying that I kicked ass and was a Web goddess. He changed THAT text to say that I had joined his church because I ran out of money for drugs, since his organization was a natural high. This raised my eyebrows.

By this point, I had heard him sing seriously disgusting songs about having sex with goats and whatnot, and noted that his link to "The Church of Bob's official position on Disney" led to a picture of Aladdin having doggy sex with Jasmine on the flying carpet. He was not easily offended. I decided to try something a little more disgusting, partly because I figured he wouldn't mind and partly because he was starting to disgust me. Not to mention that if I went too far, he was free to change his password and lock me out.

I went into his site and added some funny text and a link. I had a funny picture of a drenched cat that looked like it had come out of an oven or something, and I linked to the picture with "I, Michael Bobbitt, am a hermaphrodite. Click here to see my hot wet pussy." Which, of course, when you clicked it, went to a picture of a sopping wet cat. Bob changed it to say that it was *me* who was a hermaphrodite, and *me* whose "hot wet pussy" was displayed. I was confused by this, thinking I didn't have to be a hermaphrodite to explain references to pussies. Then I did something that I figured he wouldn't notice. Since changing things and adding things to the page was pretty obvious, I decided to do something that wasn't obvious: change the destination point of the links. >:)

For his link to "The Church of Bob's official position on people who condemn the Church of Bob," I changed the link to an essay I wrote about how he likes people who condemn his church because he is a masochist. The other link I changed was one that read, "The Church of Bob's official position on Disney." I changed the link to a very disgusting story written in first person as if Bobbitt was having a homosexual encounter with Mickey Mouse. This is hands down the most disgusting thing I've ever written and I am actually sort of ashamed of it, but I was in a pretty foul, funny mood at the time and wrote it anyway, then replaced the link. I figured he would not notice these because one cannot look at a website and notice immediately that the links have been changed unless he or she makes a special effort to click on them. Score!

So. One of his fiancées read the page, saw what the links went to, thought he had written them, and called him crying. He talked to her and didn't know what in the world she was crying about, because he never wrote any "Mickey Mouse sex story," but after checking the page he figured out what I did and was very angry with me. We spoke about it at a party while the other Mike was making drinks for us. He said that I'd gone over the line, and so I asked him why "hot wet pussy" wasn't over the line (hey, he thought that was acceptable, he must have because he changed it but kept it on there). He said that it was too disgusting and that I shouldn't have messed with it and now his girlfriend was mad. I asked him why he didn't just lock me out after the "hot wet pussy" incident by changing his password, and he said that he liked the adventure of seeing what silly thing I'd do next . . . but that this time it was too far because . . . Dun dun DUN . . . I'd upset his girl, and I quote, "And I need to be on good terms with her or we can't stay at her house when we do our road trip." Ahh, so the reason he has two fiancées is clear now . . . he is so cheap that he does not want to pay hotel fees. How sweet. . . I was quite mad when I heard this. I can't remember exactly what I did but I think I went and wrote something bad and insulting about him on his page.

When he changed the bad and insulting things to be about me, I figured one more straw might break the camel's back; in other words, he would probably lock me out by changing his password if I pulled one more gag. The answer, of course, was NOT to stop doing it, but to find a way to get around it if he did change the password. So I did. The "lost password" feature at Geocities worked like this: if you forgot your password, you just clicked the button, and it would send the password to the e-mail address you'd registered on Geocities with. So . . . I changed the record so that the e-mail address on Geocities was registered to be a hotmail account I created for that purpose. Heh.

I was right. I was locked out after pulling one more minor stunt. Bob went in and wrote loads of bad things about me, saying that the chicken was me and that I'd been turned into something useful: a dinner for a Church of Bob priest, and some other stupid things. Then he locked me out. It was on a Thursday shortly before a poetry jam that we both attended, so I decided he probably had recently done this and was hoping to brag to my face that night. I tried to sign in and the password was changed, so I hit the "send it to me" button, and went to check the hotmail account I'd made . . . BINGO! There was the new password. It was the same as his old one, with one letter added. Dumbass! So, I went in, hacked it, and logged out.

At poetry jam that night we were both smug. Finally he told me that he had "gotten me out of the page for good," and I replied that there was no way to do that because I was a Web goddess. He bragged that he had changed his password, so I told him I knew that already, knew his new password, and had already changed all the bad things he'd written about me. He didn't believe me, so I recited his password to him, then taunted him for using such an unoriginal strategy for hiding his new password from me; "Adding a letter? Come on." His jaw hit the floor. "How the hell did you know?" BWAHAHA.

Eventually, he figured out what I'd done, set the e-mail back to his old one, changed his password, and put bad things about me up. They stayed there until his page died completely, which is why I'm not super-proud of how this prank ended up, but still . . . I really had him going there for a while, eh? :)

By the way, the page sucked anyway.