| The Penultimate Peril |
"Probably the next-to-last things you would like to read about are a harpoon gun, a rooftop sunbathing salon, two mysterious initials, three unidentified triplets, a notorious villain, and an unsavory curry." Picking up where the last book left us, we join the Baudelaire orphans as they get into a cab with the mysterious V.F.D. member Kit Snicket. The woman--a sister of Jacques Snicket--tries to explain a great many mysteries to the children while they ride away to their next destination, but she just ends up confusing them further. After a quick escape from definitely suspicious and possibly villainous followers that quite literally leaves their heads spinning, Kit Snicket takes the orphans to a picnic brunch at the Hotel Denouement and explains the following confusing plan to them: The orphans are now going to be expected to dress up like concierges to disguise themselves, infiltrate the Hotel Denouement during an important meeting of V.F.D., and try to spy on a person who Kit thinks is posing as her brother Jacques Snicket. Since the orphans personally witnessed Jacques's death, this person signing notes with "J.S." must be an impostor, but whether he is good or evil is still to be seen. Beyond that, they must meet with a contact named Frank but avoid his evil identical twin brother Ernest, and they must--of course--try to take possession of that elusive sugar bowl. After a confusing encounter with both Frank and Ernest at different times without being able to discern which was which, the orphans find themselves having to attend to Hotel Denouement guests' requests under their guise of concierges, and end up having to split up. Following a chapter that informs the reader that the next three chapters happen at the same time and can be read in any order, we follow each orphan to his or her particular errand. Violet ends up called to the sunbathing roof, where she encounters the hideous Esmé Squalor (wearing a fashionable bikini made of lettuce and "sunoculars" with which she is watching the sky) and the annoying Carmelita Spats (who is now a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate instead of a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian). They are in the midst of giving an interview to a reporter (and trying to extract information from her about "J.S."), and do not recognize Violet because of her giant sunglasses. Carmelita rudely requests that Violet find her a harpoon gun (which she needs under orders of Count Olaf, who is going to teach her how to spit properly), so she asks either Ernest or Frank for help finding one and ends up unsure of what signals she has sent to either an ally or an enemy. Nevertheless, she's gotten Carmelita her harpoon gun. Klaus's errand takes him to a smoke-filled room that is occupied by a man known only as "Sir," the man who was in charge of the lumber mill where Klaus and his sisters had been forced to labor in Book 4. With him is his kind assistant Charles. They want to be taken to the sauna, so Klaus escorts them there, but Sir wants him to hold his cigar while they enjoy the steam of the sauna, so he has the perfect opportunity to listen in on their conversation. He finds that this "J.S." has also invited these men to a party happening on Thursday; everything is converging for this party. One of the managers--again, either Ernest or Frank--comes up and has the guests leave the sauna because it is being commandeered for something else, and then he makes Klaus hang some birdpaper. Like flypaper, but for birds. Just like Violet's experience, Klaus ends up unwittingly giving the manager a signal that he is on his side, though he is completely unsure whether he has given the signal to the volunteer or the villain. And little Sunny Baudelaire ends up summoned to a room to serve food to customers . . . and the customers end up being the vice principal and two teachers from Prufrock Prep (characters from book five), who had all received varying invitations from "J.S." tailored to their interests. Sunny speaks very little to avoid being recognized, and agreeably leads these folks to a place where they can get Indian cuisine. Surprisingly, Hal from book eight is there, posing as a chef. Sunny hides in the steam of the kitchen and listens to a conversation between Hal and either Frank or Ernest, but she is discovered, and unexpectedly declares herself a co-conspirator by giving what turns out to be the correct responses when she is questioned by the hotel manager . . . who she still hasn't identified as a good guy or a bad guy. In any case she receives a lock to put on a certain room (to lock it against the theft of a valuable object that might end up thrown into the room), and she leaves the men's presence to go apply the lock and reunite with her siblings. After comparing notes on their respective experiences, the Baudelaires realize that they don't know why Esmé Squalor (and her boyfriend) are throwing a party and inviting everyone; they don't know why they helped acquire a harpoon gun, hang birdpaper, and lock a room, and whether that is for good or evil; and they don't know whether J.S. is a man skulking in the basement or a woman watching the skies. And perhaps most confusing of all, they realize that they all saw a manager--supposedly either Frank or Ernest--shortly before the clock rang. How could two people be in three places at the same time? They are understandably very confused. They do, however, come to the conclusion that the sugar bowl is going to be delivered to the hotel by crow that night, and they have no idea if the parts they played are going to help or hinder either side. They decide to go check out the library and try to figure out how to find J.S., whoever he/she is, but they encounter a strange man who comes down from the ceiling on a rope, and though they try to guess who he is ("Frank?" "Ernest?") he says no . . . and continues to not reveal his identity. He seems to be a friend, though, since he uses a poem their father used to use as a clue. The man turns out to be Dewey Denouement: The "third triplet," brother to Ernest and Frank, and a good guy. He explains that the Hotel Denouement is but a front for the REAL "last safe place," which is in the lake that reflects it. There, he explains, is a great underwater catalog containing all sorts of wonderful information, a place like things used to be before the V.F.D. schism. Dewey says he needs an inventor like Violet to help with some inventions for the structure of the catalog, and a researcher like Klaus to help make it the best catalog ever, and a cook like Sunny to . . . well, feed them. It is then that Justice Strauss from book 1 and Jerome Squalor from book 6 arrive together, both now wishing to help the children directly instead of just being a positive influence during a dark time like they were in their first appearance, and it comes clear that they were both "J.S.," which is why so many notes and references insinuated the existence of an impostor. The group of volunteers is on their way to go see if the sugar bowl has been delivered to the secret room, but on their way . . . they encounter Count Olaf. Olaf has with him Esmé and Carmelita, and soon enough the meeting turns into a showdown between the orphans and friends and Olaf's group of associates. The Baudelaires' misunderstanding of directions regarding the harpoon gun and the birdpaper ended up helping the villains, but now the sugar bowl has been delivered by funnel to a room locked by the device Sunny placed on the door. At this point Olaf wants Carmelita to point the harpoon gun at Dewey while he demands to know the passwords to the lock, but Carmelita won't cooperate until she is taught how to spit (a promise Olaf made to her), so Olaf loses it and refuses to give in to Carmelita as well as dumping Esmé because he's tired of having a girlfriend obsessed with fashion. During an appeal to everyone's morals, at the zero hour Mr. Poe arrives and coughs, distracting everyone, and the harpoon gun gets dropped and fired. Dewey Denouement is hit and killed. The noise wakes up a mob of people in the hotel, and their many shouts for justice pepper the background as Mr. Poe escorts them inside, away from a waiting taxi that may or may not have been there to help the orphans. Because no one is sure who here is the villain or the hero, the Baudelaires and Count Olaf are locked up in hotel rooms to await their trial. For the proceedings, everyone but the judges is required to be blindfolded, so it is not long before all the guests of the Hotel Denouement are sitting blindfolded in the audience of the trial while the orphans and Count Olaf (also blindfolded) are standing trial. Mounds of evidence and very silly things are submitted for no apparent reason (from Talmudic commentaries to someone's mother). Olaf declares himself "unspeakably innocent," and the children decide to call themselves "comparatively innocent." Olaf gives a very short description of why he is blameless, but then before the Baudelaires can figure out what to say about their situation, Olaf kidnaps Justice Strauss, leaving the circus in possession of the evil characters known only as the man with a beard, but no hair and the woman with hair, but no beard. The Baudelaires publicly plead with their audience to take off their blindfolds and help them stop Count Olaf from kidnapping Justice Strauss, but no one--not even the noble people--chooses to help them, out of fear of being held in contempt of court. The Baudelaires decide to make a run for it, and end up in the elevator with Count Olaf by way of mutual agreement not to alert the crowd to where they are. There they find out that Justice Strauss had been unwittingly leaking all the Baudelaire case information to her two associates, unaware that they were evil. She's unexpectedly been the informant the whole time. Weirdly enough, the children end up heading to the laundry room with Count Olaf and helping each other to break the lock, and Olaf expresses admiration for Klaus's skills! Of course, the sugar bowl is not inside the room as Olaf expected (and Klaus knew). Violet helps Olaf figure out a way to escape on the condition that he take them with him, and he expresses admiration for her inventing skills! And finally, Sunny suggests burning down the hotel, for which Olaf praises her. Could it be the children are working WITH their worst enemy? Olaf teaches the children to light a fire, which they do by setting a book aflame and following his instructions. Olaf wants to release the poisonous spores he collected in the last book in order to kill everyone in the hotel, but the children thwart him by pushing every button on the elevator, enabling them to warn many people as the elevator makes its way to the to top of the building. There they do indeed prepare to escape with Count Olaf, though Justice Strauss insists that they should not flee the crime scene, that they should just let the authorities work it out. Replying that the authorities can't be trusted at this point and that everyone, honorable intentions or not, has failed them so far, they leave her behind since she won't come with them, making her release their getaway boat by having Sunny bite her hand. The burning hotel will serve as the signal to the honorable volunteers of V.F.D. that the meeting has been cancelled and the last safe place destroyed, and the sugar bowl will remain hidden. No rendezvous with the Quagmire triplets or any of their other friends is in the stars now. And off they go to an unknown future in a boat with Count Olaf, knowing they wish to be noble but knowing they've done some very NOT noble things. What could such a strange and terrible partnership be leading to? We're sure to find out in the next book, which will be the last. . . .
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