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Hi! I'm swankivy, and I'm an asexuality educator and awareness activist.


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And I'm here to teach you the basics of what asexuality is and why it's important.


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Asexuality is a sexual orientation describing people who are not sexually attracted to anyone. That's it!


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Behavior and orientation are two different things.


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"Asexual" is not a synonym for "celibate" or "abstinent."


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Many asexual people don't have sex because they don't find people sexually attractive, but there are many other reasons to have sex,


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and people of any orientation may be having sex for those reasons.


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Good question! Even if a person doesn't experience sexual attraction,


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they may still have the capacity to experience romantic attraction.


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Just like anyone else, asexual people do sometimes choose romantic partners,


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and having sex in those relationships is not what makes them romantic.


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Some people desire interpersonal connection and partnership even without sexual attraction,


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and many asexual people do still desire physical and emotional intimacy.


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They may or may not like kissing and cuddling, and they may or may not feel sensual or aesthetic attraction,


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and many still want a life partner. What decisions they make regarding sex


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in those relationships is only up to the people involved.


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Asexual people's romantic desires are sometimes dependent on gender or gender presentation,


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so labels exist for those just like they do for anyone else.


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If you're romantically attracted to cross-sex or cross-gender partners, you're heteroromantic.


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If you're romantically attracted to same-sex or same-gender partners, you're homoromantic.


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If you're romantically attracted to both your same sex or gender AND you're romantically attracted to another sex or gender, you're biromantic.


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If you're romantically attracted to multiple sexes or genders but not ALL sexes and genders, you're polyromantic.


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And if you're romantically attracted to people regardless of sex or gender, you're panromantic.


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Keep in mind that people who are NOT asexual can also have these romantic orientations


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and they're not necessarily tied to their sexual orientation.


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There are also people like me, who are AROMANTIC.


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I'm not romantically attracted to anyone, so I don't want a romantic partner.


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Some aromantic people still want a partner of some kind, just not in a romantic sense.


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Partners with deep emotional connections don't necessarily have to base their bond on sexual or romantic attraction.


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These partnerships may be intimate friendships, queerplatonic partnerships,


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or any number of other close relationships with various benefits.


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What's important is that the people involved get to define what their bond is,


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and that it shouldn't be defined by traditional beliefs about what makes a relationship romantic or intimate or "real."


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Sexual interest and romanticism are on a continuum, so there are definitely gray areas.


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Some people identify as GRAY-ASEXUAL (or graysexual), which usually means they very rarely experience sexual attraction


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and have a lot in common with asexual people when it comes to everyday life experiences.


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Some people identify as GRAY-ROMANTIC,


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which usually means they very rarely experience romantic attraction and might feel aromantic most of the time.


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Some people identify as DEMISEXUAL, which usually means they may be capable of sexual attraction


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toward certain people with whom they have developed an emotional bond,


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but never feel sexual attraction toward people they don't know.


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Some people identify as DEMI-ROMANTIC, which usually means they may start becoming romantically attracted to someone


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only after developing other emotional bonds with them.


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Please note that demisexuality and demiromanticism aren't about willingness to have sex or willingness to be in a relationship.


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Some people misunderstand these orientations as if people identifying as demi must be taking a moral stance


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on sex or dating before being "in love," but that's not the case at all.


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It's about actually not being able to feel attraction without emotional involvement, not necessarily love,


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which means a demi person will never have that attraction to a stranger.


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Just like anyone else, gray and demi people may or may not have sex or be in relationships


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without sexual or romantic attraction. Orientation is about attraction, not behavior.


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Some do, some don't. It varies a lot, just like with everyone else--


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the only difference with asexual people is that they're not sexually attracted to anyone.


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They may or may not have a libido.


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Some masturbate, some don't. Just like with anyone else.


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They may or may not have accompanying fantasies, and they may just consider it a pleasurable experience without connecting it to sex.


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Asexuality is not a physical condition. Hormonal imbalances cause issues other than lack of sexual interest,


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but if a does person suspect that they may have a medical condition, they can get tested by a doctor.


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Lack of sexual attraction to other people is not an automatic sign of hormonal imbalance.


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A psychological condition called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder does exist.


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One of the conditions for being diagnosed with HSDD is that the suffering person experiences distress over their disinterest.


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You also usually can't get a diagnosis of HSDD if you've had a lifelong experience of disinterest.


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If an asexual person wants to see a mental health professional to deal with any sex-related issues,


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that's completely up to them, but it shouldn't be treated as if it's something that the person needs to learn how to get over.


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I really recommend that you don't ever suggest this to an asexual person,


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because abuse experiences are personal and they shouldn't be brought up


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outside of safe conversations that the possible victim has agreed to.


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But regardless of whether an asexual person has been abused in some way,


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you shouldn't assume that their orientation is an avoidant response.


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Asexuality is a lack of attraction, not a fear response.


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It doesn't matter if someone who's asexual is physically attractive; their orientation should always be respected,


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not blamed on being ugly or unable to get a date.


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In any population there's a spectrum of attractiveness. Asexual people aren't calling themselves asexual to cover


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for not being able to get dates, and most asexual people have the usual opportunities.


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Not all asexual people hate sex or refuse to have sex. Some even like it,


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even without having sexual attraction to their partners.


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Most are indifferent or repulsed, but regardless of that, whether they have sex anyway is highly individual.


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Again, asexual people aren't about hating sex. They're just not attracted to other people sexually.


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That doesn't mean they couldn't like sex, but they need to be trusted as to whether they want to try it.


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They have to be in control of those experiences without other people pressuring them.


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If straight people can "know" that they won't like gay sex without trying it,


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then asexual people shouldn't be considered some kind of special class of people whose feelings can't be trusted


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and therefore should be harassed into inviting sexual experiences they don't want.


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Besides, you can't prove a negative; if we do try sex and we're still not experiencing sexual attraction to potential partners,


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we just get told we did it wrong, or with the wrong gender, or with the wrong person,


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or ruined the whole experience by expecting to hate it.


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Some people won't stop pressuring us until we stop identifying as asexual,


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so we need to be the ones who are allowed to draw our boundaries as to what experiences we want to invite.


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People who think they're straight can be gay and confused too, but the point is NO orientation should be automatically questioned.


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Some people just need time to figure themselves out, and actually a lot of asexual people assume that they must be gay


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if they're not straight due to lack of education about our orientation even existing.


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Gender and sexual orientation are not the same thing.


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You can be transgender and be asexual, but that doesn't mean you're "confused."


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Same with genderqueer, agender, gender fluid, and everybody else who's non-binary.


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It doesn't matter how old someone is. Don't invalidate them.


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Straight ten-year-olds are allowed and sometimes even encouraged to pursue cross-gender crushes.


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But if a teenager comes out as asexual, they're immediately told they're not old enough to know how they feel,


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and if an older asexual person comes out, they're told that their orientation is actually a symptom of a waning sex drive.


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Yes, what stage of life you're at intersects with what you want, but don't look at somebody's time on the planet


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and use it to tell them that what they're feeling isn't real.


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Sure, maybe. Just like any straight person may not have met the right gay partner


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to show them their "real" orientation.


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It's ALWAYS true with human relationships that we might discover something new about ourselves at any time.


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But it's ALSO true that you shouldn't use this fact to treat people like their orientation is temporary.


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No, not as a group. Individual people of all different kinds of orientations have different feelings about sex


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and they may try to control or limit other people's sex lives, but being asexual isn't a moral statement


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and it doesn't mean we think we're above you, even if we're abstinent.


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We're not a religious group and we're not an organization for social control. We're just not attracted to other people sexually.


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Then they can pursue procreation or parenting in all the same ways that are available to anyone else.


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Some asexual people want kids, and some don't. And they can pursue traditional childbirth, surrogacy,


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adoption, or all kinds of alternative fertilization methods.


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Plenty of asexual people want to be parents, and they're not necessarily opposed to having sex to get them,


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but if that's not an option, there are plenty of other avenues.


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Sometimes we are included in queer activism and invited into queer spaces.


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We are, after all, a sexual minority, even if we don't share some experiences with LGBT people


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unless we are LGBT in addition to being asexual.


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It's up to individuals if they want to identify as queer or associate with the community,


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and it's up to individual people and individual communities as to whether they want to invite asexual people


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to join them and what services they'd like to provide.


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Sure. Just like with anyone else, sometimes an asexual person is comfortable in a poly relationship--


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especially since if the asexual person does not desire partnered sex, the other partners can satisfy their sexual desires


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with each other, and then still give everyone in the group the kind of intimacy that they want.


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And even some people who aren't asexual satisfy desires that are not related to sexual attraction to the partner


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through BDSM and kinky activities, so of course some asexual people may enjoy those practices.


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It's unlikely asexual people need to be sheltered from sexual content in media or normal conversation.


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Feel free to ask if you're worried, but for the most part, most asexual people aren't any more ignorant about sex


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or any more sensitive to seeing it in media than the rest of the population.


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Things that exist have words so we can talk about them. Most people in the world believe that asexuality isn't a real thing,


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and asexual people are hurt by that assumption.


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Not having words for our orientation means we can't find other people like ourselves


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and we're more susceptible to being pressured into becoming what we're not.


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Even when labels aren't 100% accurate all the time, they let us have these conversations, and we need them.


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Current estimations suggest that about 1% of the population is asexual, based on a large survey from 2004.


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If 1% doesn't sound like very much, just remember that's over three million people just in the United States.


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You have probably met asexual people, or maybe you are one.


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But since most people are assumed straight if they're not gay, you probably didn't even know it. They probably don't even know it,


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because education about our orientation is not widespread yet.


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If you'd like to help spread awareness about asexuality and be a good ally, keep the following things in mind:


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Listen and believe asexual people, and if they reveal their orientation to you,


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don't treat them like they have to prove or justify how they feel.


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Watch your blanket statements when discussing sexuality. It alienates and erases asexual people


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every time you say stuff like "Everyone needs sex" or equate sexual attraction with being "really" alive or "really" human.


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If you're involved in sex education or research, make sure options exist for acknowledging asexuality


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and allowing asexual people to report their orientation.


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(It's very common on surveys for asexual people to have to lie


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or choose "no response" or "not telling" if they're filling out their orientation.)


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If you have a question but the topic is possibly sensitive, ask if you can ask.


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Know where to find resources for more information. I'll include some links for you in the information box.


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I hope this video has been informative, and feel free to contact me


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if you have any questions or requests. Thanks very much for watching.